Typical Conversations #21

It's been more than a year since I last added to this series, but I just found one old unpublished transcript and realized it was time to begin again.

--
MOM: Scattergories. 'C', for vegetables. Go.
ME: Cucumber.
MOM: Carrots.
ME: Cilantro.
MOM: Cabbage.
ME: Corn.

*long pause*

MOM: Any more?
ME: Cauliflower.
MOM: That's a good one.

*another pause*

ME: CANNED VEGETABLES
MOM: Hahahahahahahaha no. Okay, now 'A.'
ME: Arugula.
MOM: Avocado.

*pause*

ME: I can't think of any more! Apples! Aaarrranges!
MOM: Those are FRUITS Davina

Typical Conversations #20

ME: You know they make fake meat out of tofu.
JEREMY: Really?? I didn't know they could make fake chicken into tofu!
NATHAN: Of course! They call it 'Buddha'.
A pause. 
ME: What?
JEREMY: Yes.

Typical Conversations #19

ME: Dad, rinsing dishes is not the same as actually washing them.
DAD: (indignant) Do you know how Jesus washed His disciples' feet?
MOM: ...I don't think he rinsed them.

Typical Conversations #18

I am working on a computer with two monitors.

Dad: Wow! Look at the girl with her two screens. Her friends would be jealous.
Nathan: There'll be three monitors soon.
Dad: When you give her two screens, she will be bipolar. If you give her three, she'll be schizophrenic.

Silence.

Nathan: What?
Dad: Don't you get it? Two is bi, so bipolar, and then--
Me: But schizophrenic has nothing to do with three!
Dad: It's more than two, so it's like wooo... (makes wavy motions around his face)

Silence.

Dad: Never mind. I guess you two don't get pharmaceutical jokes.

Typical Conversations #16 and #17

DAD: Ugh, I am so dizzy. Going around and around the trees, around and around the yard...
MOM: Can't you mow the lawn in straight lines? People mow their lawns in straight lines.
DAD: That's too boring.
MOM: Then don't complain!

~*~

DAD: You know, that'd be like, like two stones, uh...two stones with one bird.

Pause.

DAD: Whoops.
ME: LOL LOL LOL
MOM: Riiiight. You throw the bird at two stones, and it dies.

Typical Conversations #14 and #15

GRANDFATHER: Do you have any raisins?
ME (busy with something): I don't know.

A pause.

GRANDFATHER: *sigh* ... *sigh* ... *sigh* ... *sigh* ... *sigh*
ME: What are you doing?
GRANDFATHER: I'm sighing until somebody finds me raisins.

~ * ~

MOM (very loudly from the window): NINA NINA COME HERE IS THAT A DOG A CAT OR A SHEEP? I CAN'T TELL!

Typical Conversations #13

Jeremy sees a glass of orange juice on the floor by his feet.
 
JEREMY:  Dude. Baaaad placement. 
NATHAN: Oh, I was wondering where that was. Hand that to me, will you?

Typical Conversations #11 and #12

DAN: (screeches from bathroom) There's a spider in here!!
MOM: Haha. Did you hear that? He has to deal with a spider.
DAD: Let's see what he does.
ME: (yelling from other room) SQUISH IT WITH YOUR FINGERS.
DAN: (another screech, louder)

Silence.

DAN: (coming out of bathroom) I emerge victorious.

~•~

STEVIE: Can I have a knife?
ME: Here.
STEVIE: Thanks. I was just thinking, like, I have this pork chop and no knife...
ME: You could have just torn at it with your teeth.
MOM: Yeah, just hold it in your hands and go nawnawnawr. Like eating a squirrel.

Typical Conversation #10

NATHAN: Hey Nina, Dragonforce is coming out with a new album.
ME: What's Dragonforce?
NATHAN: Brt-nan-na-na-na-brt-na-nan-ba-ba-nan-na-nan-na-na--
ME: Ohhhhhhh.

Typical Conversation #9

JEREMY: Dare to bake/ a cake/ in an oven...uh...
ME: With a vampire coven./
JEREMY: Because I'm a vampire/ and I live in a boggy mire/
ME: Where there are lots of swamp fires/
JEREMY: No, it's couplets, stupid!
ME: Well, you didn't tell me that/ you big fat./
JEREMY: I'm not a fat person./
He stuffs an entire piece of cake in his mouth (like the size of my fist).
There is a long pause as he chews.
ME: You ended a line with "person"? Seriously?
JEREMY (with mouth full): I wonder if you, um, have a purse in/ your room/ that goes boom./

Typical Conversation #8

ME: Mr. Sommar was talking about majors in college, and he said something like, "Say I went to college and decided to major in twelfth-century Chinese women's studies--"
MOM: That's what, the 1100's? Twelfth-century Chinese women?
NATHAN: Oh, that's you, Mom!

Typical Conversation #7

JEREMY: Do they make cows with lactate?
Mom says something about soymilk.
JEREMY: Soymilk comes from cows?! a pause. OHHH, that's why they call them sows!
ME: THAT'S A PIG.
MOM: So what's a baby female pig called?
ME: Um. A piglet.
MOM: No, no, there's a word for it. What about a baby boy pig?
ME: A piglet.
MOM: No! There's a word!
JEREMY: Piglet... So then a baby cow is a cowlet. And birds are birdlets! Who needs words like "calf"? Ha!

Typical Conversation #6

We are talking about my brother Jeremy.

MOM: with happy sigh. It's like he evolved, from a baby boy into a young man.
ME: Uh, isn't that just what happens when you grow up?
MOM: Oh. Yeah.

Typical Conversation #5

NATHAN: If I had to do the Bo Peep dance, I'd feel sheepish.
DAN: Well, I won't lambast you about that.
NATHAN: I'll just say mutton!
DAN: I'll look pasture flaws.
ME: You guys are so unwoolly.
DAN: OOoh, that was shear witticism!
NATHAN: Bleats stop!
DAN: After ewe.
ME: This is baaad.

Typical Conversations #3 and #4

ME: Looking at writing examples in my Chinese course. Why would you ever say, "I prefer these elephants because they are prettier than other elephants"?
MOM: Elephants are so ugly.
NATHAN: Well, maybe if you were a princess, and your father took you to see some elephants, and he said, "O princess, which elephants would you like for your birthday?" And then you would say, "I want these ones because they are prettier."

 ~•~

JEREMY: Coming into the room suddenly. You know...sometimes all you need...is a potato.
MOM: For what? To throw at people?

Typical Conversation #2

NATHAN: Mom, I want boar. Can we eat boar tonight?
MOM: Boar is a bore.
NATHAN & JEREMY: Hahaha!
ME: Has missed the joke. What? What just happened?
NATHAN: You didn't hear it 'cause you were trying to hog the conversation.
NATHAN & JEREMY: Hahaha!
ME: Hey, snort funny!
MOM: Yeah, stop pigging on your sister.
NATHAN: I ham dying of laughter.
JEREMY: Man, keeping up with you guys is such a hard tusk.

Typical Conversation #1

MOM: Holding a loaf of sliced bread. If I eat this whole thing, will I get fat?
ME: Um...yes.
MOM: Throwing down the bread and whining. Don't say that! You're so mean! Pouts like small child.